Friday Chuckle 7/28/06

Ted Nugent was recently being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?’” Nugent replied, “They aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, “What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way.

True or not, that shit is funny!

Hat tip to Doug (also seen it on Grouchy Old Cripple’s site).

True

Seen in one of the many elementary schools that I work in:

“Character: What you say or do when no one else is looking.”

Friday Monday Chuckle 7/24/06

I shamelessly stole this from the Disgruntled Truck Driver. It was just too damned funny not to share. Be sure you have your speakers up.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

The Joys of Recycling.

I am not an eco-dumbass. I don’t believe in burning other people’s SUVs cause you have a case of the ass about how much fuel they use. I do not believe in telling someone that they can’t use the water that is on their property cause it might kill a fish or two. I don’t believe in telling someone that they can’t chop down a tree on the property that they own cause it might fuck with an owl. I do, however, believe in conserving and reusing our resources when we can.

This lovely, wonderful state I live in (well, it is lovely for 4 months out of the year anyway) is one of a handful of states that has a mandatory recycling fee for glass, plastic and aluminum containers. Ok, great! Sounds like a good idea in principle, right? I pay an extra $.05 per container, and I can get it back if and when I take it back to a grocery store that has the recycling machines. With me so far?

My ass pain comes from redeeming the $.05 per container. There is no really efficient way of doing it, at least not where I live. You go to a grocery store and you sit there and put container after container in these machines. You spend the extra five cents on the products that you buy and you have to fuck with these machines that work about half the time, incompetent people who are assigned to take care of them, and store management that can’t or won’t make sure they are properly maintained. They don’t give a shit.

Yesterday I took five yard waste sized bags of cans (yeah, I am a slacker) into our local store to get our bucks back. This particular store has two mass can recycling machines. They have hoppers and you just pour the cans in. Guess what? Both of those fucking things were broke. Why didn’t you go to another store, you might ask. Well, this particular establishment is the only one in town that has those mass “get your money back on cans” machines. So, here I stand, in 100+ degree weather, putting one can after another, one at a time, into their other piece of shit, ill-maintained machine. I got about half done with bag number five and the machine said “bin shakedown”. Fuck! I looked at this man and his two pre-teen daughters next to me and asked them if they would like what I had left. They said sure. I go inside and redeem my tickets for my cash. I come back out, glad that the nightmare was over, and there stands this man and his daughters, sweating their asses off. They were waiting on the aforementioned incompetent person to come out and empty the machine so they could continue. Smartass that I am, I commented, “I bet yer wishing you hadn’t agreed to take those.” He shook his head and said, “This sucks, but thanks.”

With the level of technology that we have in this country, it is unfathomable to me that we can’t come up with a more efficient way of dealing with recycling. I pay those cocksuckers an extra $.05 per item (yes, typically a beer can), and they can’t come up with an easier solution?

Prick bastards!

Musca domestica

The common house fly. It is, without question, one of the most disgusting things on planet Earth, if you want my opinion (if you don’t, tough shit). It irritates me to no end when I see one of those little fuckers in my house and knowing that they may or may not have landed on something I am going to touch. The thought that one of those bastards landed on a glass I may use, or even landed on the toilet paper that I am gonna wipe my ass with, makes me sick. And pisses me off.

Having said all of that, I will say this, almost nothing makes me as mad as trying to watch the TV (something I don’t do with any regularity cause I generally think TV is stupid) and have one of those little winged bastards using my line of sight as his flight pattern.

“Tower, this is Winged Turd 1. We have a human trying to watch TV, over.” Tower replies, “Winged Turd 1, do your level headed best to stay in a pattern that interferes with the human’s ability to watch the TV.” “Roger Tower.”

When I kick the bucket, and if I haven’t fucked up too much, and I get a chance, me and my maker are gonna have a chat about the house fly.

Friday Chuckle 7/21/06

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?” He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.” She says, “Why, are you sick?” He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, “Where the hell are you going”? She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.” He says, “Why, what do you need?” She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

Hat tip to Sparky

Brain in neutral.

I honestly don’t have a thing to say at the moment. Hard to believe, I know. I don’t know if it is the fact that it is summer and I have other things going on. Could possibly be that I don’t give a fuck. Hmm. Been known to happen. You kids play nice now, ya hear?

Happy Birthday Locutus of Brillo!

I hope you have a great birthday Adam! Ya bastard! Be good, and if you can’t be, be good at it!! I am good these days, so if you are gonna be bad, be bad for me too, ok?

Love you!

Honey would you please get me the magnifying glass?

I know I am getting older. As a result, my eyes aren’t as good as they used to be. I know this. However, that does not mean that I can’t see. Corrected, my eyes are 20/25 or so. Not too shabby for an old guy (LL, in the neck with glasses).

That being said, it absolutely fucking pisses me off to no end that you can’t easily determine the length of a damned DVD by looking at the back cover. Oh sure, it might be there. It might not. If it is, you can bet your ass it is in that fucking scrunched up bullshit type they use. How that fuck can you read that shit? I bet if you had 20/10 vision you couldn’t find it.

Solution: PRINT THAT FUCKING SHIT IN BIG ENOUGH TYPE TO READ IT!!!!

Assholes!

Happy Birthday Redneck Bastard!

Happy Birthday to my buddy Jarrod! I wish I could have a cold beer with you to celebrate. It seems so long ago since we first met; twelve years, if memory serves. You are a great friend and I am glad we’ve kept in touch all these years. Be good, and if you can’t be, be good at it!