Seriously cool shit

Ya think?!?

From the ‘no shit’ files.

Hat tip to Yankee.

Monday Madness

I don’t get why people have to put their idiot hats on first thing Monday morning. It is so annoying. Driving to work this morning, my car nestled into a group of cars that just exited I-5 to OR34, and lo and behold, a fucking double tanker truck, just randomly decides to pull out in front of all of us. What the fuck?!?!!? I just thought that instead of what I normally do, which is yell at the driver. Didn’t want to hurt my voice anymore than it already is. Cowboys game yesterday, don’t ya know! I digress. Anyway, this jackass just finished dumping a load of gas at a gas station, and apparently had his head up his ass and decided it was a good idea to pull into oncoming traffic and risk a major pile-up/explosion. Congratulations fuckface, you just added your name to the Highway34 idiot squad roster.

I finally get to work, and on time for a change (I’m sure my employer didn’t even notice), and walk promptly into a shit storm. One of my remote (L)users has had a virus. So I had to log in remotely to correct that, and she kept trying to take control of the mouse. Look shitbird, do you want my help or not?! Go cook some breakfast, or take a shit, or anything at all that will get your ass away from the computer! Sheesh!!

And if all of that shit wasn’t enough to put this bastard in a rotten mood, it is raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock. Fuck I hate Mondays.

Friday Chuckle, 10-23-09

Dear Sir,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is  on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s  name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT!

I apologize, I’m really pissed off this morning.. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there???  Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (fuckin’ morons) Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed –
An Irate fucking Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA !

Hat tip to Hippy Joe.

Blah

Good Lord do I hate winter time in Oregon. Rain, followed by more rain, which, interestingly enough, is followed by even more fucking rain. GACK!!! I have spent almost 13 years of my life in this state. One would think that I would have adapted to this shit. Not so much. The rain can suck my balls. I fucking hate it, and by extension, I hate Oregon because of it. At least down home in Texas you get to see the sun every once in awhile. Up here you can just send the sun a “I miss you, please come back soon” Hallmark card. You ain’t gonna see the son of a bitch for at least 8 months. Oh, and make sure your rain gear doesn’t have any holes in it, cause you will be needing it.

3 seconds…..

3 motherfucking seconds! It is a basic principle taught in driver’s education for the safe operation of a motor vehicle when following another vehicle. Every place in the United States teaches it, but apparently not in Oregon. Highway 34 is fraught with idiots. You have your ‘putting my make-up on’ idiots, you have your ‘read the newspaper’ idiots, and then you have the ‘talk or text on the cell phone’ idiots. Everyone is familiar with that bunch. In order to be in the final group of idiots, which I refer to as the ‘Hwy 34 idiot squad’, you have to pay no attention to slick roads, ignore the three second rule as if your mother just told you ‘no, you can’t have that cookie, it will spoil your dinner’, and you have to basically be a fucking retard, or escapee from the Oregon State School for the Mentally Challenged. There is a special place in hell for those jackasses.

Twice this week I have been caught in traffic as a result of the Hwy 34 idiot squad. I was 45 minutes late getting to work on Tuesday, and 15 minutes late getting to work this morning as a result of accidents caused by someone’s utter ineptitude at operating a motor vehicle. Seriously people, pull your motherfucking heads out of your asses. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, there ain’t soul one that is in THAT big of a hurry to get to work. And, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD, FUCKFACES!!!!

Right on red!

Everyone on this planet has certain things that piss them off. I am no exception. One of the things that makes me want to break out the AK and ’splain some shit to people is the ever loving moron that doesn’t grasp the concept of ‘right on red’. You pull up to the stop light, with the intention to turn right; blinker on (not every moron even gets that part right), you look left, you look right, and if no cars are coming, you are legally allowed to make the turn unless otherwise posted that it is prohibited. The motherfucker that sits there, with no cars coming on the crossing road, picking their nose, or reading the newspaper, or talking on their fucking cell phone (that is a whole different rant) should be SHOT! Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, just collect a half dozen smoking holes in the head and abdomen region. Fuckers!

Hiatus Over

Ok folks, I had to take a two year break to get refreshed. Life was pissing me off, work was pissing me off, ex-wife was pissing me off. Generally I was just PISSED. You would think that would make for more blogging, not less. Not so. I seem to be back to a point where I can blog again. We’ll see how it goes.

Closed

 

 

This blog is officially closed .

 

Reposted, ’cause it needs to be.

Seen in one of the many elementary schools that I work in:

“Character: What you say or do when no one else is looking.”