Archive for June, 2006

Friday Chuckle 6/30/06

Posted in Friday Chuckles on June 30, 2006 by bofh69

Donald Rumsfeld was briefing the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

To everyone’s amazement, all of the color ran from Bush’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he managed to compose himself and asked Rumsfeld in a scared, tiny voice, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion???!!”

Hat tip (yet again) to Ann J.

The dangers of nude photography.

Posted in Family on June 28, 2006 by bofh69

The blonde was taking a shower last night, and me, being the bastard that I am, thought I would be clever and start trying to take some digital pictures. For use later. Heh! She wasn’t having it. I got about seven pictures of her hand, two pictures of the showerhead, and one of what I think was a boob. Hell, it was soooo damned blurry I couldn’t tell. I am surprised she didn’t knock the camera out of my hand. It sure wasn’t for a lack of trying on her part, that is for damned sure.

WELL SHIT! Better luck next time, I guess.

I got nothin’

Posted in General on June 27, 2006 by bofh69

It has been too damned hot, and I have a great big case of the “I don’t give a shit”. Sorry folks. I am sure I’ll be a pissin’, moanin’, complaining Bastard again in no time. I just ain’t got the energy right now.

Project Complete

Posted in General on June 24, 2006 by bofh69

On Thursday I received an e-mail from a former co-worker letting me know that my old job was finally going to put flags up in front of their building for the first time in at least ten years.

Now you are probably asking yourself, "why do I give a shit?" Well, a year and a half ago I got a bit aggrivated that they didn't have any flags on these really nice flagpoles. Being a tech geek, it really didn't fall in my bailiwick to worry about flags, but it was important to me to see them flying. I love my country and I love my flag.

I went to the executive director and asked for permission to buy new halyards (ropes) and flags to put up. Even though Mr. Bill knew it was going to piss off a lot of the socialist dykes lesbanians that work there, he gave me the go-ahead. WOOHOO!!!

The project apparently wasn't meant to be completed on my watch, as I was laid off shortly after that. Unbeknownst to me, my co-workers picked the project up and got it done. Those guys are great!

Yesterday at 9 a.m. I stood in front of my old place of employment with a handful of my old co-workers, boss included, and watched them raise the American and Oregon flags on those poles. We said the Pledge of Allegiance. It was a pretty stirring moment. My old boss shook my hand and said, right in front of my old crew, "You did it Mark." I said, "No, I just got the ball rolling." I pointed at my two former colleagues and said, "These two fellas right here finished it up."

I stood around chatting with everyone for a bit until they all finally had to go back inside and get back to work. As I was walking back to my car, I turned to look at the flags and mentally patted myself on the back. Even though I hadn't finished the project, it was indeed finally complete.

Friday Chuckle 6/23/06

Posted in Friday Chuckles on June 23, 2006 by bofh69

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Hat tip (again) to Ann J.

Where are the Americans?

Posted in General on June 21, 2006 by bofh69

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" He is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says… "Probably at work."

Hat tip Hippy Joe.

Karma, the universal programming language.

Posted in General on June 20, 2006 by bofh69

People do shit all the time that will eventually affect their lives. You do a good thing, a good thing will happen to you. You do a bad thing, a bad thing will happen to you. You may not pay for it or benefit from it in this life, but you eventually will. Sounds pretty damned simple to me. I am a firm believer in this concept.

There is another side to karma that I have discovered. It has to do with what you say. Everyone has his or her own little sayings. "No shit.", "What a pain in the ass.", "This sucks.", "I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention.", etc… I have discovered that if you continue to say things like this, your brain, in league with karma, will subconsciously find a way to make what you are saying a reality. Without knowing it, you are programming your own brain to make these negative things happen to you. You literally are writing the code in your brain. Sounds crazy, huh? I don't think so. I have seen it happen many times.

Case study #1: I have an uncle who lives down south who had surgery. JC was always famous for saying "no shit". It was one of his favorite phrases. One of the conditions for his release from the hospital after his surgery was that he have a bowel movement. Know what? He couldn't. He eventually did, but it took quite some time.

Case study #2: Some of you know the trials and tribulations I have endured in the last nine years. I moved to Oregon, and initially couldn't find a job. The first job I find, my first paycheck bounced. I get a divorce from the evil one and get financially raped by the courts. I lost my job (a damned good one!) and was unemployed for almost a year. I owe taxes, federal and state, in excess of $2000. Wanna take a guess on what one of my favorite sayings is? Besides "fuck you in the neck", I mean? "I am so broke I can't afford to pay attention." Between my brain, and karma, that is exactly what has happened for the last nine years. Needless to say, that phrase is out the window. Adios!

Karma is neutral. It is the ultimate input-output device. You get what you put in. Mind what ya say kids, it might just fuck you, and not in a good way.