Archive for September, 2006

Friday Saturday Chuckle 9/30/06

Posted in Friday Chuckles on September 30, 2006 by bofh69

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Hat tip to Sparky.

I got nothin’

Posted in General on September 26, 2006 by bofh69

Folks, in between work and the things going on with our family, I haven’t really had the desire to write lately. I apologize for that. It isn’t a permanent condition, I guarantee ya. I’ll be back to my old ranting, raving, bastard self in no time. Trust me, I have plenty of things to bitch about.

Friday Chuckle 9/22/06

Posted in Friday Chuckles on September 22, 2006 by bofh69

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, dumbass, get in.”

Friday Wednesday Chuckle

Posted in Friday Chuckles on September 20, 2006 by bofh69

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……whoop him again!”

Hat tip to my buddy Ann.

The Man Answer List

Posted in General on September 15, 2006 by bofh69
  1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.
  2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
  3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
  4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
  5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
  6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!
  7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
  8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please … How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men … Men hunters … Need go roam … Starve in cave … Must go find wildebeest … Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
  9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
  10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?” Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.
  11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho … Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
  12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
  13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.
  14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
  15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err … buying?

Hat tip to Sparky.

Friday Chuckle 9/15/06

Posted in Friday Chuckles on September 15, 2006 by bofh69

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

It was coming.

Posted in Family on September 13, 2006 by bofh69

I have felt a hell of a rant coming for some time now, and sorry about your luck, here it is. Gotta get something off of my chest first….SHIT, FUCK, PISS!!!!

I will be the very first person to stand witness to my bad deeds. I will be the very first person to stand up and say that I am wrong, when I am, and I am often. What I will not be the first person to do is stand up and say it is ok for that fucking bitch of an ex-wife of mine to actively encourage our 10 year old to call her fourth husband Dad. Amazingly enough, or maybe not, me and the stupid bitch have had this conversation before. She said she was going to tell our daughter why it was hurtful for me to hear it, and yada, yada, yada, motherfucking yada. Yet my youngest tells me tonight that her mom said it was ok because it makes Mike feel like more apart of the family. I AM ALLYSSA’S DAD. End of fucking story!

This stupid bitch was the one that had it put in the divorce papers that neither parent would encourage our child to call anyone, other than her parents, Mom or Dad. Oh yeah, that’s right, I have a penis, what I want means shit. I wouldn’t piss in her mouth if her throat was on fire!

I am so fucking mad right now I could eat nails, and like it. Fuck!!!!!!