Archive for February, 2010
Hat tip to JC.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’ When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10.’ Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’
Not normal ‘Friday Chuckle’ fare from me, but funny nonetheless.
The following is jacked from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram :
NEW YORK — Wall Street bonuses climbed 17 percent in 2009 to $20.3 billion as many of the investment banks that were bailed out at taxpayer expense reported blowout profits.
So, let me see if I have this correct. The gooferment, in it’s infinite wisdom, decided to put this country further into the hole than it already was by bailing out investment banks that made poor decisions or just happened to get sucked into the vacuum of this depression? That’s right, DEPRESSION! I swear I am going to throttle the next person that tells me this is a recession. Now that these institutions are once again profitable (for now), why in the motherfuck are these bastards not having to pay back every red cent of the $20.3 billion? NAW!!! Fuck Joe Q Taxpayer, let’s give all these peckerheads bonuses! I probably won’t have to pay for this (much), and most of the folks that are reading this probably won’t have to pay for this horseshit (much), but our kids, grand kids and great-grand kids will, and that pisses me the fuck off. Large.
The announcement Tuesday by New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli was likely to outrage many Americans who are barely getting by. And it happened on the same day that private economists reported a plunge in consumer confidence – a blow to hopes that spending by shoppers would help speed up an economic recovery.
BARELY getting by?! BARELY?! Oh, you motherfuckers are rocket scientists, aren’t ya? Here is a hint for you idiots; most folks AREN’T barely anything. Most folks AREN’T getting by, PERIOD! Consumer confidence? Yes, consumers have confidence they are going to get fucked up the ass without any lube what so ever if they are dumb enough to spend any more money than is absolutely necessary to feed, clothe, and house their families. And the ‘Muslim in Chief’ didn’t build any money into our ever increasing deficit the budget to provide tampons for all of our bleeding assholes. Sorry about our luck.
“Wall Street is vital to New York’s economy, and the dollars generated by the industry help the state’s bottom line,” DiNapoli said. “But for most Americans, these huge bonuses are a bitter pill and hard to comprehend. … Taxpayers bailed them out, and now they’re back making money while many New York families are still struggling to make ends meet.”
Guess what, shitbirds, New York is not the only fucking city/state in this country. How about Main Street USA being vital to the US economy?? And you say ‘bitter pill’? I’ll give you dickheads a bitter pill. My wife hasn’t worked since May of last year, isn’t drawing any unenjoyment money and I just lost my job last month and there is absolute fucking dick for jobs out there. Bitter? Nah, I ain’t bitter, I am fucking livid! On what damned planet can you receive money with no damned strings attached? Me and all the other folks in this country that weren’t born with a silver spoon stuck up their ass don’t have that luxury.
The reason for the surge in bonuses was simple: Wall Street firms had a great year.
Well, I guess they’d be some of the few. Pricks.
Broker-dealer operations associated with the New York Stock Exchange earned a record $49.9 billion through the year’s first three quarters. The firms probably closed out the year $55 billion in the black, DiNapoli’s office said.
And the first payment back to D.C. will be made when? Shit, I keep forgetting. It’s free money! HELL, they’ll print more, right?!
The 2009 bonuses were actually modest compared to the bonanzas Wall Street workers enjoyed between 2005 and 2007. The annual payout in those gilded days averaged $31 billion, or around $173,000 per worker.
The average bonus in 2009 was $124,850, according to the comptroller’s projections, although that number was likely skewed by high bonuses among top earners at the largest firms.
Oh WAAAAAA!!! My heart pumps purple fucking piss for you folks. I didn’t make that kind of coin on salary in the last three years!!! Shut the fuck up you damned crybabies.
In 2008, Wall Street firms gave out $17.4 billion in bonuses, even though the year was one of their worst.
Critics of Wall Street pay said the fact that bonuses are rising even as consumers grow more despondent reflects a growing class divide in the wake of the recession.
Class divide? Ya think?! My personal opinion is the ruling elite in this country want exactly that; the HAVES and the HAVE NOTS. The middle class in this country is damned near a thing of the past. We damned sure can’t have any SORTA HAVES.
“It’s exposing a deep rift in American society,” said Chuck Collins, a senior scholar at the Institute for Policy Studies, a liberal Washington think tank. “This isn’t the rising tide lifting all boats. This is the rising tide lifting a few yachts, while other people’s boats sink further underwater.”
Oh! Oh! Oh! A deep rift, they say. Well fuck me, there is a hint and a half for your ass. A deep rift. Amazing break down of the absolute obvious. Now the thing I find ironically funny about that paragraph is the opinion is by a liberal. Earth to douchebag, Earth to douchebag, come in douchebag, the Libtards are in power. The Libtards are taking a really fucked up situation and making it worse. By the numbers even.
News of the windfall came amid fresh signs that the public’s mood was darkening. A monthly poll gauging consumers’ confidence unexpectedly fell to a 10-month low in February as Americans worried more about jobs, the Conference Board said Tuesday.
DejaVu!! Oh! Oh! Oh! The public’s mood is darkening, they say. Well fuck me, there is a hint and a half for your ass. Darkening mood. Amazing break down of the absolute obvious.
This fucking article goes on ad nauseum. I read it, I get pissed. I re-read it, I get more pissed. When are the people in this country going to wake the fuck up and realize that we are screwed 10×10 to the 10th power. Folks, our country is on the verge of dying, and we are sitting here watching it happen. We need to wake the fuck up and do something. You can start by exercising your Constitutional right to vote. Lets clean house folks. Lets hit THEM where it hurts. Lets take our country back!
Sheesh, I think I may have popped a blood vessel in my head.
Hat tip to Geoff.
DO NOT READ THIS if you have to pee…..
I went to the Home Depot recently. I wasn’t altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “you’re definitely going to shit yourself road kill chili.” Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened (and all of you know what I mean). No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, oh, shit, gotta go!’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habanero in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a clerk rounded the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure at least some of you will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh……..BIG mistake!!!!! Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left. Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’ My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls… The next day I went to shop at Lowe’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.