Bastard dictionary.

Some of these terms and acronyms you will know, some you won’t. This will be updated often.

WTF: What the fuck? Pretty common these days on the net.

STFU: Shut the fuck up! Also pretty common these days on the net.

CTJM: Come to Jesus meeting. This term is familial in origin. It is most commonly used by Mom. It means: I am fixin’ to ‘splain something to you and you damned sure better pay attention, cause next time I have to tell you I am going to rip your head off and shit in your neck.

Dad-ism: This term is also familial in origin. My Dad has these pearls of wisdom that he has imparted to us kids all of our lives. I call them Dad-isms.

Busting (busting on): Picking on, or making fun of a person, or group of people. Typically done in good fun, but has been known to get out of control from time to time.

BOFH: From[common] Acronym, Bastard Operator From Hell. A system administrator with absolutely no tolerance for lusers. “You say you need more filespace? Seems to me you have plenty left…” Many BOFHs (and others who would be BOFHs if they could get away with it) hang out in the newsgroup alt.sysadmin.recovery, although there has also been created a top-level newsgroup hierarchy (bofh.*) of their own.

Several people have written stories about BOFHs. The set usually considered canonical is by Simon Travaglia and may be found at the Bastard Home Page. BOFHs and BOFH wannabes hang out on scary devil monastery and wield LARTs.

Locutus of Brillo: Recently devised nickname for my brother Adam. Hairy assed bastard! 😀

Comment busting: A flood of funny comments as a result of an innocent post. Folks get to busting on the poster initially, and eventually each other. Also known as “a turn in the barrel”. Good natured fun!

Yack attack: Violent vomiting. The kind of puking attack that makes you wish you could just die and get it over with.

BOHICA: Pronounced ‘bo-he-ka’. Bend over, here it comes again. Typically meant to indicate you are going to get fucked, and not in a good way.

Fuck you in the neck: This phrase is familial in origin. Devised years ago by my brother Adam, it is intended to do one of two things; a way of having the last word when someone is busting on you and you can’t think of some witty comeback or, a way of truly voicing your displeasure about something. In Bastard circles it is often used in conjunction with sharp objects; i.e. “Fuck you in the neck with a hatchet”. It can be used with almost any word though. “Fuck you in the neck with a cable modem” could be used if someone was busting on you about your connection speed. The phrase is in wide use in the United States, and has recently been used with some frequency in Australia.

Lesbanian: Those females of the carpet munching variety, which I have NO problem with. Stolen, with much thanks, from nesselrode5, a reader/commenter on Bane’s website.

The Evil One: Talley. The ex-wife. The daughter of the devil (trust me, her mother is the devil). She has done nothing but make my life a living hell ever since we moved to Oregon. I dislike her so much that I wouldn’t piss in her mouth if her throat was on fire. The only reason I continue to have anything to do with her is she has custody of Miss Allyssa.

SFP!: This is a Bastard original. It stands for Shit, Fuck, Piss! It is used to signal that I am frustrated and can’t come up with anything more clever to say.

Punching the clown: This is a euphemism for jacking off. Yes ladies, I know, you don’t want to acknowledge that guys do it, but we do. This particular phrase is courtesy of the Yankee Bastard.

Dorkfish: This term is familial in origin. My oldest, Carol Anne, invented this one. I have no idea what the hell it means, other than she thinks you are being a retard when she calls you a dorkfish.

Crazy (what the hell is wrong?): When your personal compass can’t find true north. When life throws you a curve ball that you don’t know how to handle. You do the best you can do and let God handle the rest.

Goat rope: A situation that is so fucked up that you just can’t come up with any other words to describe it. FUBAR.


The following additions are from my buddy Geoff. They are most worthy of being in the dictionary:

GMS: Gargle my sack. Now if that shit isn’t about the most self-explanatory phrase you’ve ever heard, then you seriously have something wrong with you.

‘If my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle’ LMFAO!!  Ok, now I honestly can’t say I would know in what context to say something like that, but it is fucking funny, and as such, belongs here.

3 Responses to “Bastard dictionary.”

  1. New entry please. Gnaw the bark off my big fat log. Shamelessly stolen from Oliver Platt in Lake Placid. Very PC way to say you can suck my cock.

  2. We used to say “Fuck him in the neck!”, in the 80s. 86-88 to be exact. It was a very satisfying thing to say in a completely PC-vegetarian environment, where I lived and worked at the time.

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