Archive for May, 2006

History lesson.

Posted in General on May 31, 2006 by bofh69

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Hat tip to JC (jacked from comments on Little Green Footballs).

Convalescence over.

Posted in Medical observations on May 29, 2006 by bofh69

That's right boys and girls, this Bastard is going back to work tomorrow. Everything seems to be healing up just fine. I haven't done anything stupid (lately) to hurt myself, and this sitting on my ass is reminding me entirely too much of the 11 months I spent laid off. About the only problem I am having at the moment is the damned itching! GRRRR! I know when a scar starts to itch it means good things are going on, but shit!

Decorated Bastard

Posted in Family on May 28, 2006 by bofh69

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My brother Danny earned the Bronze Star in Iraq!! I just found out today. HOOOAH!! Good on ya bro! Better than the chest cabbage, his ass will be back in the States mid July. Nothing better than a Bastard coming home! 

Bastard’s Top 10 20: War movies.

Posted in Bastard's Top 10 on May 28, 2006 by bofh69

20. 'All Quiet on The Western Front' (The one with Richard Thomas, 1979)

19. 'The Blue Max'

18. 'The Tuskegee Airmen'

17. 'Battle of The Bulge'

16. 'Midway'

15. 'Sands of Iwo Jima'

14. 'Patton'

13. 'Tora, Tora, Tora!'

12. 'The Great Escape'

11. 'U-571'

10. 'Platoon'

9. 'In Harm's Way'

8. 'The Patriot'

7. 'The Big Red One'

6. 'Apocalypse Now'

5. 'Gladiator' (maybe it is a war movie, maybe it isn't..I don't fucking care…it goes here)

4. 'We Were Soldiers'

3. 'Black Hawk Down'

2. 'Full Metal Jacket'

1. 'The Longest Day'

Damn, this could have very easily been the Bastard's Top 50 war movies. Too many good ones were left off the list.

Bastard’s Top 10: Van Halen songs.

Posted in Bastard's Top 10 on May 28, 2006 by bofh69

10. 'And The Cradle Will Rock…'

9. 'Ice Cream Man'

8. 'Feelin'

7. 'Dirty Movies'

6. 'Mean Street'

5. 'Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love'

4. 'Hot For Teacher'

3. 'Runaround'

2. 'Unchained'

1. 'Top Of The World'

Review: “X-Men: The Last Stand”

Posted in General on May 27, 2006 by bofh69

Not to worry, there are no spoilers here.

Visually, it was a very stunning movie. They took the special effects up a notch in this one compared to the first two. The violence level is also considerably higher than the first two. There were a couple points in the movie that gave me pause, cause my ten year old was sitting next to me. I would steal a glance at her occasionally to see how she was taking it. Eyes were big as saucers and fingers buried in her ears. I would tap her to see if she was ok and she would flash that winning smile and give me a thumbs up and stick her finger back in her ear.

If you are a 'comic book' movie kind of person, and you enjoyed the first two, this will be a very enjoyable experience for you. Oh, and don't pay any attention to the idiot critics, they know for shit.

I know I said no spoilers, and I don't think this qualifies, but make sure you stay until the end of the credits (approximately 5 minutes worth). Something happens that you won't want to miss! (Thanks for the heads-up on that one Sparky.)

Your chance to help.

Posted in General on May 27, 2006 by bofh69

A fun little game that I stole from Grouchy Old Cripple.