Friday Saturday Chuckle: 11-7-09

More road rage!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question, is there one motherfucker that drives in Oregon other than me that understands what this sign means? It means MERGE. I unfortunately have to drive a stretch of I-5 during my daily commute to work. I swear it seems like every time I am trying to get on the freeway, some jackass in the slow lane, who has every opportunity to move over to the fast lane to allow for the seamless merging of traffic, continues to toodle along in the slow lane, oblivious of everything but their cellphone, or lip synching some stupid ass song that they probably don’t even know the words to. Hey assholes, if you don’t have anyone coming up on your left side, MOVE THE FUCK OVER!!!

Speaking of on-ramps and merging and shit, there is a weird phenomena in Oregon. It is a rare sight indeed when you will find one of these morons that will try to do their best to get up to freeway speed while still on on-ramp. Invariably I will get stuck behind some fuckhead who thinks that 50 mph is an acceptable speed until they actually get to the freeway. Shitbirds look, don’t you realize that crap interrupts the smooth flow of traffic on the freeway, that is assuming you can get the aforementioned asshole who rides the slow lane, to pull over? GET UP TO SPEED! Don’t be a douche! Don’t wait until you get there to do it! Your dumbass should be at freeway speed when you finally get to it!  AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!! SHIT! FUCK! PISS!!!!!

It is a damned good thing I don’t have a concealed handgun permit, or own a LAW, or bazooka or something, cause there would be a bunch of dead son-of-a-bitches on I-5 between Hwy 20 and Hwy 34 in Oregon.

Intentional grounding

My love affair with football is very, VERY old. I started watching it as far back as I can remember. I played the game (Pop Warner) as a kid, and in junior high and high school. I love the game! I consider myself more knowledgable than your average beer drinking, chips and salsa eating couch potato. I could probably even coach at the high school level. However, there are certain aspects of the game that have always befuddled me. Befuddled? Nah, I just don’t fucking get! One of those is intentional grounding. Follow along with me, and see if I miss anything. Quarterback drops back in the pocket (inside the tackles). Goes through his progression. No one is open. He can’t just throw the ball out of bounds, UNLESS: he moves outside of the tackles AND ,when thrown, the ball makes it past the line of scrimmage. Now lets say said QB stays inside the tackles and throws the ball and hits an offensive lineman. Can’t do that, it is called illegal touching. I get that; linemen are not eligible receivers unless it is a ‘tackle eligible’ play. Ok, now lets say said QB stays inside the tackles and throws the ball and doesn’t connect with anyone, and there is no receiver, eligible or not in the area of the pass. Intentional grounding is the call. I get THAT. So someone please explain to me how in the hell a QB can legally manage the game clock by spiking the ball to stop the clock (it’s called clocking the ball….go figure). How the fuck is that legal? QB drops usually two steps and throws the ball at the turf immediately behind the center to stop the clock. Here is what is wrong with that: A. There is no eligible receiver in the area. B. The ball did not make it back to the line of scrimmage. and C. The quarterback is inside the tackles. Now if that shit right there isn’t intentional grounding, what the fuck is?

I present to you the party in power:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the ‘no shit’ files. Question is, do they have their heads up their asses, or are they going down on their own junk? Doesn’t really matter, cause they are fucking it up by the numbers.

Shamelessly stolen from Grouchy Old Cripple.

Friday Chuckle: 10-30-09

Huh?!

You know how you have an impression of an athlete based on their on court/field/track performance? You generate a preconceived notion about that person, and then are totally shocked when something is said or done that totally shakes that notion. Take for instance this morning. I am listening to Colin Cowherd’s radio show (normally I listen to Rome, but he had an asshole caller on and I had to change channels), and he had Bill Romanowski on. Colin introduced him and asked him a question and then HOLY SHIT, this incredibly gay sounding guy started speaking! My brain screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!” There is no way in hell that one of the meanest sons of  bitches to ever play in the NFL sounds like a ’sissy la-la boy’.  Sure as shit, it was Bill. Now, I never was, nor will I ever be, a fan of the 49′ers, Eagles, Broncos or Raiders, but I respected the man’s meanness on the football field. He was one brutal mean son of a bitch. I loved to watch him play, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at NFL films with him in it without shaking my head and thinking to myself, “yeah, but he sounds like a fag.” And no, I would not say that to his face without a bazooka or a couple of hand grenades handy.

Hallway meetings and other office shit that pisses me off.

Everyone who has worked in an office has developed a pet peeve, or multiple pet peeves. One of the ones that wears me out is the dumbasses that will stand outside of your office door conducting business. Seriously, both of you jerks have an office you could go to and close the door and conduct your conference. And even if you don’t have an office, find a fucking conference room!

Then there is the jerk-off that thinks it is perfectly acceptable office etiquette to microwave fish in the office kitchen. Fish stinks when you cook it the first time at home, and some magical fucking thing happens to it when you nuke it;  IT STINKS MORE!! Leave that shit at home or risk getting shot by an angry IT guy. Then there is popcorn chick.  Invariably some gal in the office will nuke a bag of popcorn and stink up the whole office making everyone hungry, AND will do it when you can’t get away from your desk to go get your own snack because you are too busy, or stuck on the phone or some other such crap. Quit that shit damnit!

Hell, the more I type this post, the more I realize I’ll never be finished with it, cause there is all kinds of idiocy that takes place in an office.

Shit!!!

Grandma!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ahhhh, the joys of being a grandparent. Several months back my granddaughter Bella got a happy meal, or some such shit, that had a toy in it. That toy was ‘Sid’ from Ice Age. Being the smart ass that I am, I started telling Bella that Sid was grandma. Well, it took awhile, but she finally bought into it. So now every time Bella sees ‘Sid’, she shouts out GRANDMA!!!

The blonde rented Ice Age 3 to watch with Bella last night (we have her on Wednesdays), and I shit you not, as soon as ‘Sid’ popped up on the ‘ol hd flat panel, little miss monkeybutt, one of the loves of my life, yelled as loud as she could GRANDMA!!!! I laughed so hard I think a few drops of pee leaked out. THAT is some funny fucking shit!

Seriously cool shit

Ya think?!?

From the ‘no shit’ files.

Hat tip to Yankee.